Subject: Collage 406: The Great Millennium Party Date: 1/11/1999 2:33 AM Received: 1/11/1999 10:25 AM From: HumourNet, humournet-bounces@humournet.com Reply-To: HumourNet, moderator@humournet.com To: The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour, HumourNet@lyris.n Collage 406 H u m o u r N e t 11 Jan 1999 I want to write a letter to New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani. You see, New York is in the unenviable position of being able to play the single most extraordinary practical joke that the world has ever seen. Mayor Giuliani has announced that 1999 was the final year for the current New Year's ball that they drop in Times Square every New Year's Eve. They are planning to replace it with a new ball for the new millennium (rumor has it that it will be a crystal ball -- but I digress). Now, picture this: It is the evening of December 31, 1999, and the entire world is one huge party. A certain song by The Artist Formerly Known As Prince(tMS) is blaring from PA systems the world over. Sysadmins are predominantly attending mandatory office parties, quietly praying that all those "We Have No Y2K Problem" memos they sent out during the year don't come back to haunt them. And New York City is stacking them three-deep in Times Square -- hundreds of thousands of drunken, freezing idiots who will have only bad hangovers and the early signs of pneumonia with which to welcome the Third Millennium. Suddenly, the ball starts to drop ... champagne corks are poised at the ready ... the tension mounts -- especially for the sysadmins at those mandatory office parties ... Times Square is about to erupt in a cataclysmic explosion of inebriated humanity that is completely, blissfully ignorant of Y2K except that it's a really great reason to kiss several thousand complete strangers ... and finally, the new Times Square New Year's ball lights up -- and proudly (?) displays: 1 9999 000 000 11 999 999 00 00 00 00 111 99 99 00 00 00 00 1111 999 99 00 00 00 00 1 111 99 99 00 00 00 00 111 999 99 00 00 00 00 111 999 99 00 00 00 00 111 999999 00 00 00 00 111 99 00 00 00 00 111 99 00 00 00 00 111 99 00 00 00 00 111 99 00 00 00 00 111 99 99 00 00 00 00 11111111 999999 000 000 You have to admit, it's a great plan. It would be the world's most memorable practical joke (well, next to the U.S. having elected Bill Clinton to a second term) -- and Mayor Giuliani could be just the man to pull it off. Or at least he'll HAVE to be the man to pull it off, since no one else is really in a position to put the wrong damned century on the ball in Times Square. Well, I'm off to compose my letter to Rudy. Meanwhile, we'll hear from the geeks in the audience. They're the only ones who are sure to understand the "1900" joke, anyway -- as well they should, considering that they're the ones who created the problem in the first place. ;-) Steve B. kicks off the Geek Fest with "Special Relativity -- Explained (Geek Version)"; Jasper J. in The Netherlands sends us "Special Relativity -- Explained (Layman's Version)"; (The more astute among you will notice a pattern in the subject lines for this Collage. ;-) Jake S. in (near?) Santa Rosa, California, brings us a topical piece titled, "Chemistry -- Explained"; Brian H. in Wenham, Massachusetts, takes credit for "Physics -- Explained"; David F. submits to us "The Relationship Between Life and Complex Numbers -- Explained"; and a long-time subscriber who used to work for Hughes Aircraft Corporation, but apparently left when the Federal investigators came to the door (and thus his subscription record no longer exists in my database, though I know that he is now subscribed from somewhere else -- most likely in China -- and will contact me to take credit (?) for this submission) contributes the piece titled, "Higher Math -- Explained"; Dylan K. in San Francisco, California, continues the good fight with "Lower Math -- Explained (Sort Of)"; Ronny C., Sydney, Australia, brings us "Mathematicians -- Explained"; "Daniel H. in (or near) College Park, Maryland, sends along the "Heisenberg Uncertainly Principle -- Explained"; Will in Markham, Ontario, subjects us to "Thermodynamics -- FINALLY Explained"; and Martin L. closes this one out with "The Big Bang -- Explained." Whew! What a line-up. Huge thanks to our resident geeks, and a big Thanks In Advance to Mayor Giuliani for going along with the Y2K practical joke. (I just know he's gonna go for it. ) Happy Last Year Of The Millennium (HLYOTM) to everyone. And remember, there are only 354 shopping days left until the entire banking industry collapses -- so spend it if ya got it! ;-) - Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator moderator@humournet.com ____________________________________________________________________ Opener (above) Copyright 1999 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message. ____________________________________________________________________ SUBJ: Special Relativity -- Explained (Geek Version) Excerpted from the "Dear Duke" web site: Dear Duke, I work for NASA and have been researching ways to break the light barrier. Face it Duke, if we are ever going to get out of the solar system we will need to travel faster than light. After careful study of the laws of general relativity I'm totally stuck. I just can't seem to get by in the time space continuum faster than light. Any bright ideas Duke? Unenlightened Dear Unenlightened, I understand your frustration. I wrestled with this problem for years before I solved it. The secret to warp drive (as the Trekkies call it) is what I call ATM drive. Ever notice when you're in line at an ATM how the person in front of you is slower than you are when you do your transaction? From a relativistic point of view, you are slower than the person in line behind you. And he is slower than the person behind him. It's easy to see that the longer you extend the line the faster the people get at their transactions. At some point, someone will punch through the light barrier. Reaching this point doesn't take very long. You only need a few hundred people in line. Just harness this energy and you'll go far. If you have any doubt about this next time you watch the voyages of the Starship Enterprise take a careful look at the back end of the ship. You'll notice an ATM machine. Duke ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Special Relativity -- Explained (Layman's Version) "Put your hand on a stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Chemistry -- Explained In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch: Limbaughium Lb The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons. Billclintium Bc With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water. Canadium Eh Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron. Innofensium Pc Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose. Newtium Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply. Quaylium Vp Einsteinium it ain't. Budweisium Ps Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water. Cabmium Cb Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it. Politicium Po Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House. Congress Cg Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution. [Editor's Note: No, but Ted Kennedy is evidence that many of them can often be found *near* solutions. ] ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Physics -- Explained By Brian Hall [This is] my quote; it came up during a frustrating physics lab: "Maybe the world is off by a factor of ten and we're all right." [Editor's Note: Anyone who has ever taken a physics lab can relate to this one. ] ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: The Relationship Between Life and Complex Numbers -- Explained Life is complex: Part real, part imaginary. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Higher Math -- Explained From an MBA student at Boston University: And the stupid question from last night's Marketing class: "If you take the absolute value of a number, will it ever be negative?" That wasn't as good as the Finance question: "How can I make a number negative on my calculator?" Yep, that +/- button screws me up every time. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Lower Math -- Explained (Sort Of) "Tom" posted the following question to the VISBAS-L (a Visual Basic discussion list): "Is there any way to check to see if a random number is divisible by 7 with no remainder?" Any number of people have since responded with the correct answer: if TheNumber MOD 7 = 0 then 'the number is evenly divisible by 7 else 'the number is oddly divisible by 7 ;-) end if Then I saw this answer from "John": No -- I believe 7 is the only unitary number that can. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Mathematicians -- Explained A physicist, a chemist, and a mathematician are stuck on a desert island with several cans of food, but no can opener. They each try to think of a way to open the cans. First, the physicist makes his suggestion. They would construct a small catapult out of the obligatory palm tree in order to throw the cans against some rocks. The cans would break open and they could eat the contents. The chemist dislikes this suggestion and proffers his own: They should make a fire and put the cans over the fire. The contents of the cans would expand and the cans would break open. Finally, they both look to the mathematician to see if he can think of a better suggestion. He thinks for a moment, then starts, "Let us assume that we have a can opener..." ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Heisenberg Uncertainly Principle -- Explained "Fly Heisenberg Air: Don't know where we are, but we're making good time!" ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Thermodynamics -- FINALLY Explained A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following: First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over. It was not revealed what grade the student received. [Editor's Note: It is interesting to note that his conclusions are not applicable to Boyle's Law, but to the Ideal Gas Law; Boyle's Law applies only if temperature is held constant, which is not the case here. ] ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: The Big Bang -- Explained Big Bang Theory: "In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded." ******************************************************************** Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail list server from Lyris Technologies, Inc. For more information on Lyris, see . 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