Subject:     Collage 420: Last-Minute Gift Ideas
Date:        12/19/1999 3:04 AM
Received:    12/19/1999 6:57 AM
From:        HumourNet, humournet-bounces@humournet.com
Reply-To:    HumourNet Moderator, vince@humournet.com
To:          The Internet's Moderated Mailing List for Humour, humournet@lyris.n

Collage 420              H u m o u r N e t              19 Dec 1999

With less than a week until Christmas, shoppers everywhere are
starting to run out of great gift ideas for their loved (and not-so-
loved) ones. And for this reason, HumourNet is proud to introduce
the 37th annual "Bad Gifts" Collage.

Well, not an entire Collage this year -- but quite a nice collection
in the opener.

We start with an anonymous subscriber whom we will call "Joe" --
since that's his name. Joe is a prominent political figure, and if
he doesn't want his last name released prior to next year's bid for
governor, I'll be receiving a gift of $50,000 small, unmarked bills
this year.

Unfortunately, the gifts that Joe has received haven't been quite
that nice. To begin with, he once received an ashtray as a gift. A
used ashtray. After he'd quit smoking.

"Used" seems to be a theme with Joe; he once received a gift of used
towels. <ick>

We'll let Joe tell us the rest in his own words ...

    Maybe it was just my mother-in-law, but she set the record
    and even got so bad that my ex had to say something.

    At one point early in the [marriage], my mother-in-law started
    giving me clothes brushes. Do you know how many styles there
    are? There is the whisk broom style, the floor brush model,
    the sticky paper roller (that is my personal favorite).

    My birthday is 12/2 and Christmas is 12/25. Only 23 days
    apart. One year, I got a brush for my birthday and then one
    for Christmas. I thought this was a move to the better since
    my mother-in-law usually skipped my birthday altogether.
    Finally, my wife said something to her -- and she swore she
    had never given me a clothes brush!

    I think this conversation occurred at Thanksgiving, so I got
    nothing for my birthday that year. For Christmas, I got a
    multi-tool manicure set. Finally, we had broken the chain.
    Did I mention that my father-in-law got a clothes brush that
    year? It was really a nice one too. I was just a little
    envious.

    One year, I really wanted an air compressor for the
    workshop. My son and daughter each bought me an air tool [to
    use with the compressor] for Christmas. My wife knew that,
    but did not get me the compressor, saying I didn't need it.
    Made the kids feel a little bad. I went out and bought a
    nice one the next week and used every cent of the return
    money from everything my wife got me. That got the point
    across.

    After a few more years, we switched to sweaters. Now this is
    where you cannot hide and are expected to actually use the
    gift. No one would ever wear those things and I couldn't
    even give them to the Salvation Army. That bad. So I kept
    them and now I found a use for them. My friend has an
    eight-year-old son and an ex husband who is a [bad person
    who was born out of wedlock]; I gave her the worst sweater
    and she is going to give it to her ex from her son, and have
    the kid constantly ask his dad why he isn't wearing the
    sweater.

Caroline L. in Puyallup, Washington, might have bested Joe, however:

    This year I received from my father and his wife two very
    small, well-wrapped, previously unopened vials of contact
    lens cleaner. Both were well beyond their expiration dates,
    AND I DO NOT WEAR CONTACTS! But that didn't stop them from
    selecting, paying for, wrapping, and sending them 3000 miles
    to arrive at my doorstep on December 23. Go figure.

Nathan H. in Australia follows up on Collage 405 (last year's "Bad
Gifts" collection):

    After the "live lobster as gift" story, I thought you might
    like to hear about the live crayfish my in-laws received
    this year from their neighbour.

    He (the neighbour) told them to "drown it" and cook it
    (apparently, you can drown a crayfish by putting it in fresh
    water).

    Like most "normal" people, they were a bit freaked out by
    this, since as we all know meat products come from the
    fridge in the supermarket and _not_ from real (formerly)
    live animals.

    My in-laws put it, still alive, in the bottom of their
    fridge. For some reason (hygiene?), they wrapped it in
    plastic first.

    Then they decided they didn't want a live crayfish scuttling
    around the bottom of the fridge (apparently it wasn't
    wrapped tightly enough to restrain it), so they put it in
    the bathtub (sans water). Of course, they also lock their
    Chihuahua in the bathroom over night, and it was, well, less
    than pleased to be sharing the room with a crayfish that was
    nearly as big as the Chihuahua himself.

    I'm told my father-in-law has now killed and cooked the
    darned thing (no, not the Chihuahua, but thanks for asking).

John K. in Arkansas sends us an amusing anecdote:

    I assume you saw the article in the newspaper, but just in
    case not, I'll summarize:

    They did a survey for the worst gift:

        The #1 worst gift was the fruit cake
        The #2 worst gift was "nothing"

    In other words, people prefer "nothing" over a fruit cake.

John then follows up with a bad gift that might very well take this
year's award:

    Last year for Christmas, my mother gave me a free trip to
    the dentist. I hate going to the dentist.

Ouch; that's a tough one to beat.

And last (but certainly not least), Julie T. in St. Paul, Minnesota,
closes out this set with a rather unique entry:

    When I was approaching my sixteenth birthday, my family was
    aware that the only gift I wanted was a pet bird. What I had
    in mind was a pretty blue parakeet. What I had forgotten was
    that my older and much loved brother was pretty clueless.
    What I got was the ugliest, scrawniest little brown chicken,
    which he had, all by himself, stolen from a nearby ranch.

    If that's not love, I don't know what is.

    We made him return the chicken.

I want to know how he wrapped it. On second thought, maybe I don't.

Meanwhile, it's another Holiday Humour Collection -- possibly the
last for this season:

Helen A., somewhere in northern Florida, takes credit for submitting
"A Woman's Guide to Men's Gifts";

Russ N. in Honey Grove, Texas, brings us "Bubba Claus";

Kathy K. in Alhambra, California, sends along the press release,
"Christmas and Chanukah to Merge";

and The Olde Broad (see Collage 419) contributes the obligatory
"Fruitcake Recipe."

A huge, holiday-season thanks to all of our contributors. Also, many
of you have been sending along various versions of Clement Clarke
Moore's "The Night Before Christmas"; there are simply way too many
of these to include in a Collage, so instead I have been collecting
them on the HumourNet web site:

<http://www.humournet.com/Humour/Archives/the_night_before.ad_nauseam>

Enjoy! And best wishes to everyone for a happy holiday. :-)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  vince&#64;humournet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1999 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: A Woman's Guide to Men's Gifts

With Christmas coming, this is surely going to be a big help....

Rule #1:

When in doubt -- buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he
already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to
complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No
one knows why.

Rule #2:

If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the
word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey
George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. "By-the-way, are you
through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:

If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A
99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang
from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one
knows why.

Rule #4:

Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men
bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes,
he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:

You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have
worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV
with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he
flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:

Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit
in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7:

Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or
deodorant. I'm told they do not stink -- they are earthy.

Rule #8:

Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a
couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks.
Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Cat. You get the idea. No one
knows why.

Rule #9:

Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the
box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left
over.

Rule #10:

Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr
Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab
Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also
excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it
is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a
starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11:

Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook -- but they will
barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank.
Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who
wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12:

Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift.
However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th
Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13:

Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If
you don't know why -- please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when
he gets a label maker.

Rule #14:

It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension
ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension
ladder. No one knows why.

[Editor's Note: Thought that was obvious. </vs>]

Rule #15:

Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at
least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8"
manila rope. No one knows why.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Bubba Claus

ANNOUNCEMENT: A New Santa Claus for the Southern United States

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read
the following carefully....

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer
be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to
the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now
serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and
Michigan.

As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for
milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that
your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who
happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family
is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all
the good boys and girls, however, there are a few notable differences
between us -- such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that
reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace.

3. Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He does, however, dip a little
snuff, so please have an empty chaw cup handy.

4. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of
my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's
fireplace.

5. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..."
when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on
Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and
Petty."

6. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are
likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

7. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does
have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the bumper with the words
"Back off!" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the
sleigh back as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that
race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa
Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

8. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th
Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your
viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hawg Saves Christmas" and
"Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus
and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

9. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure
you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to
put presents under the tree.

10. And finally, those lovely Christmas songs that have been sung
for years, such as "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer" and Bing
Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" will be replaced by Mark
Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd
Over by a Reindeer," which will play on A.M. radio stations across
the South.

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
Member, North American Fairies and Elves Local 209

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Christmas and Chanukah to Merge

NORTH POLE, Dec. 10 /PRNewswire/ --  Continuing the current trend of
large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a
press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry
source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300
years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that
the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days
of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides.

By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy
consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of
Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping, maids a-milking
and elves being the hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the
dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus
becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of
translating "A great miracle happened there," the message on the
dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In
exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa
Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering
their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the
agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of
whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even
after having eaten meat for dinner.

A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to
be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover
of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out
that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the
merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an
unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all
concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive
balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present
in a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Fruitcake Recipe

Here's one holiday fruitcake recipe that you'll never see on Martha
Stewart....

1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the  highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK.  Cry another tup.
Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a
drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt.  Or something.
Sheck the whiskey.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.  Spoon.  Of sugar. Or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Lie down.
Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?
One more sample of the whiskey....

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</collage420>